Lockdown Day 11: Gavin St Pier’s hair grows down to his arse

Eleven days into the lockdown and further tragic news has hit the island.

It seems local politicians are feeling the pinch the same as the rest of us mortals.

Gavin St Pier, or Saintly Hair as he’s been dubbed online, has been unable to see his barber for almost two weeks.

The result is a glorious head of flowing strawberry-blond radiance.

Sources close to the family report that the growth has been so swift and stressful that Deputy St Pier shouted at his housekeeper for not cleaning the grill properly.

While the pressures of keeping the island afloat over the past few years caused Deputy St Pier’s hair to thin an imperceptible amount, his latest do has spawned war online.

“He looks like a hippie,” one islander noted on Twitter.

“I’d bang that,” one nameless barmaid observed.

“He doesn’t even cook, it was bang out of order,” a teary, anonymous person commented.

While we have only seen brief flashes of the hair as Deputy St Pier steps outside for two hours each day to shit talk the gardener, sources indicate it is somewhere between a Hucknall and a Dallas-Howard.

The do is reminiscent of his short-lived action figure line recalled in 2019.

While The Guern has been unable to reach Deputy St Pier for comment, an anonymous source confirms that he asks for lasagne twice a week, from scratch, but never finishes more than a plate while getting it on his tie without fail.

Our thoughts are with his family at this crucial juncture.