Island shits its shelves due to wind

Island fears wind or possibly wind shortage. 

Islanders prepare for a difficult weather siege by bringing in chairs, clearing shelves, and taping down their cows and elderly.

Wendy Le Gale, the island’s chief meteorologist, said we should prepare to batten down the hatches, or possibly throw open the hatches.

“Our forecasters are only able to predict up to 35-mile-an-hour winds due to idiosyncrasies in the island’s road safety legislation.

“Over 35 = fast, under 35 = good.

“All you need to do is count how many times it’s hit 35 and that’s the wind speed, unfortunately we lost count after six laps so now we don’t know what’s going to happen.”

The States told islanders to expect the worst, to which islanders replied, “We know.” 

Experts are suggesting watching important wind survival classics such as Gone with the Wind, Wind River, The Wind in the Willows, Twister, and Be Kind Rewind.

Kevin Costner’s Waterworld could be an additional option in case things go south. 

We asked some local people their thoughts on the Great Death Storm of ‘23, and more importantly Waitrose being laid bare.

“But how can we have a £7 stir fry deal if someone took all the fucking beansprouts?!” —Joshua, age 4

“This wind’s a total fuckin wind up.” —Nick Winder (or possibly Winder)

Empty shelves remind islanders of the big C back in 2020 (when the big Co-Op had empty shelves).

“I haven’t seen shelves this empty since yesterday.” —Colin Le Crois, Co-Op Shelf Stacker

Sark has taken every precaution, islanders have retreated to the mermaid till things blow over.

Local tree surgeons sharpen their blades anticipating a prosperous Christmas while weed dealers have switched to a Snapchat business model until the storm passes.  

Native Ciarans have gone to ground due to fear of obvious stupidity from islanders. 

Sailors appear to be fucking chuffed.

The death toll currently remains at 0, but we’re standing by hoping for updates. 

But, on a serious note, look after each other out there. If your cow or loved one actually does get impaled by a flying tent pole tomorrow, you’ll feel well bad for laughing now.