Guern writers stumped as Jersey’s reality implodes into nonsense

Staff writers at The Guern have been left dumbfounded after real-life events rendered one of their stories entirely moot.

Dubbed The Moot-ening, it was caused by a Jersey militiaman firing upon a blockade of French fishing vessels from the ramparts of Elizabeth Castle while wearing high-visibility clothing.

Chief Editor, Quincy De Saumarez, was visibly shaken as the news unfolded.

“We’ve come close to this sort of situation before, in fact we really thought it was going to happen during the last lockdown. 

“We were just sending to print a rather fascinating piece on catapulting potatoes when that pleb in a vest outdid us with his stupidity. 

“It’s this kind of nonsense that has stopped us expanding and founding The Jern.”

The French, who were thought to be invading Jersey for their valuable supply of potatoes, turned tail and ran as soon as the first volley fired over their bows.

Jean-Luc Francois, a fisherman from Barneville-Carteret on the Cherbourg Peninsula spoke to Maurice Charpentier over the phone.

“J’adore les pommes de terre Jersey Royal. Si je n’attrape pas le poisson, je dois manger des fromages et des céréales terribles. Je préfère de loin une pomme de terre riche des îles anglo-normandes, et mes compatriotes ressentent la même chose.”