The Guern - cropped-theguern

Crime

Hero peacock slain

By Ozzy Ozanne

A murder investigation is underway in Jersey after a peacock was mown down in cold...

Leave a Comment

Giant Flaming Dog Captured After Extended Chase

By Maurice Charpentier

The rare kaiju retriever was brought to justice earlier this evening after a long chase...

Leave a Comment

Officer arrests self for being fucking creepy bastard

By Cordelia Elizabeth Gaudion-Grut

A local police officer has been convicted of being a fucking creepy bastard. It should...

Leave a Comment

The Arts

Top Gun and Jurassic World Pulled After Teen Flies F15 Raptor into Screening

By Ozzy Ozanne

It’s been a dark month for Mallard staff, Minions fans, and cinemagoers. A teenage boy flew an F15 Raptor through the Mallard’s legendary Screen Two,...

Leave a Comment

Island’s agricultural shows in doubt after giant tomato mishap

By Maurice Charpentier

The island’s vegetable growers have been dealt a devastating blow during this year’s competitive season. It comes after one local horticulturalist grew a tomato so...

Leave a Comment

Puffin&Sons Media launch BailiFlicks streaming service

By Maurice Charpentier

Local media startup Puffin&Sons have announced a new localised streaming service, known as BailiFlicks. The app, which will soon be available on app stores locally,...

Leave a Comment

Guern Guide: 10 Scenes That Prepared Us For Lockdown

By Guy Gaudion

The idea of lockdown is tough for a Guern. Being indoors all day is a new phenomenon for a lot of us. As islanders, we’re...

Leave a Comment

Torteval Scarecrow Festival ruined by scared crow

By Ozzy Ozanne

A scared crow has horrified festival goers as he razed the annual scarecrow festival to the ground. Untold damage was caused when the errant bird...

Leave a Comment

https://www.theguern.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/cropped-theguern_logo2-5.png

News

Guernsey Books Willy’s Chocolate Experience for West Show

By Lisa Le Moigne

"Any child who agrees to work for us gets free Oompa Loompa face paint and to beat fat children with sticks, in spirit with the original tale."

Leave a Comment

Horses to require number plates from Monday

By The Guern

Guernsey horses will require number plates on island roads starting from Monday. This follows a successful pilot program in Sark, where locals are said to...

Leave a Comment

Island shits its shelves due to wind

By Maurice Charpentier

Island fears wind or possibly wind shortage. Islanders prepare for a difficult weather siege by bringing in chairs, clearing shelves, and taping down their cows...

Leave a Comment

Science

Lockdown Day 11: Gavin St Pier’s hair grows down to his arse

By Lisa Le Moigne on February 3, 2021

Eleven days into the lockdown and further tragic news has hit the island. It seems local politicians are feeling the pinch the same as the...

Island’s agricultural shows in doubt after giant tomato mishap

By Maurice Charpentier on August 12, 2020

The island’s vegetable growers have been dealt a devastating blow during this year’s competitive season. It comes after one local horticulturalist grew a tomato so...

cropped-theguern_logo2-5.png

Be First to Comment

Shout into the abyssCancel reply