Jersey to remain closed as island confirmed full of shit

Jersey has been forced to extend its lockdown and accept it truly is full of shit.

The bombshell comes after one of its beaches was found to be full of raw sewage.

Scienticians were called in and confirmed the whole island revolves around a heart of molten stool which is now spilling to the surface due to tectonic shifts in the dairy industry.

St Aubin’s Bay on the island’s south coast was closed yesterday after its water was found to consist of 97% raw sewage. The remaining 3% consisted of beer, toadspawn, red dye, sputum, inferiority, Dettol, and advanced traces of saltwater.

Subsequent tests found similar results all across the island.

There have been reports of brown rain due to the level of faecal matter in the air islandwide.

Jersey’s environment minister, Billybob Langlois (pronounced incorrectly), said he knew it was only a matter of time until the secret was flushed out.

“We’ve been sitting on this one for a few decades at least, so it’s actually a relief the story’s finally dropped,” he continued.

“We hoped we could use the cover of Corona to evade detection for a little longer, but unfortunately that was not to be.”

Jersey’s hopes of lifting the Coronavirus lockdown next week look to have been further dashed, as residents have been asked to remain in their homes until the showers of shit have dissipated.

“We know it’s been a long lockdown for our residents,” explained Mr Langlois. “But we feel, for the good of the community, they should have to stay inside lest they become full of shit too.”

Weather forecasters expect the conditions to continue for at least the next seven days.